A New Day….

Often we find the greatest revelations, the most important lessons at the most unusual sources – the lesson was unexpected and yet at the same time freeing….

…”there’s no way you can go through a trauma like that and not come back changed. The point of these things (Agent Coulson’s scars) is to remind us that there is no going back – there’s only moving forward. You feel different, because you are different.

Agent May

Marvels Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D

Agent Coulson experienced death during the battle of New York as was seen in the movie Avengers, whether it was 8 seconds or 40 he still died. It was much the way how I feel on certain aspects of myself. This is the first time I will candid face what happened to us, my husband cheated on me – and no matter how small or short the instances behind that act was something inside me died. Call it innocence, naivete or ignorance – but the fact is that day he admitted the affair to me and walked out of my life something died within me. For more than a decade, I believed every word he said, trusted him and set him on a pedestal as a man above all man. I was wrong.

And though he is back now, and trying to make amends for the wrong he did nothing could bring back what we have lost. We are forever changed. I have been crying for so long, in solitude, because I didn’t want anyone to see my pain because I cannot understand it myself. But now I do, and now I cry to mourn for the death of my complancy – there is no going back but I can decide to move forward. What was done is done, and there’s no taking back what happened. I have lost trust in the man I have loved and nurtured and adored for the past 12 years. I gave him another chance, I don’t know if I will ever trust him as much as I used to – maybe if he proved worthy I can trust him more or maybe less but that will be up to him.

A part of me died and I am changed, I am different but I refuse to be a victim. I am different and I will better, I will strive to be better, I need to be better – for myself and for my children. I will never be able to forget what happened but I can take the lesson from that painful experience and be a better person.

I’ve been going around in circles for too long. It seems like I would take one step forward and then a step back . That’s over now. I will stop reliving the pains and nurturing the slights but mostly I refuse to give that girl any space in my mind, my life or my marriage. The memories will always be there, the slight will always be painful and the trust will need to be rebuild but I must start healing. Not for my husband, but for myself and for the children. I will be better for me. That will be my mantra and the tenets in which I will live by.

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